>> Saturday, May 19, 2012
I have a dream of a good man, a man I look up to, a man who is confident and can intelligently stand his ground. I dream of a man who has an open mind and an open heart. He’s playful, caring and protective. He reads, he recycles, he sometimes gets irrationally angry about the government, humanity’s impact on the plant and inhumane treatment of animals and people. I dream of a man who doesn’t agree with everything I say or do, but respects me anyway. He’s a vegetarian. He is the best of caretakers when I am sick. He has strong arms. He loves my pet rats. I dream of a man who can take care of himself. He’s smart, but isn’t afraid to admit when there’s something he doesn’t know much about. He introduces me to new things. He drinks herbal tea. I dream of a man who is a yogi.
Is this an impossible dream? Where do you find such a man in a world of video games, cable television, processed food, steaks, the media’s portrayal of women, loud clubs, drugs, alcohol and competition? I wonder. I wonder if my standards are too high. I always leave room for men to be men and for me to be a woman. It would certainly be more interesting if I was a lesbian, or even bi, but the truth is I like men. Therefore, I accept that they are going to act, speak, think and react like men.
Today I ended a friends-with-benefits relationship. The friendship remains, but the benefits have been put to a stop. I always played by the rules and never let me feelings get too involved. That said, this deal was made when both me and the friend were in vulnerable places and he knew I liked him. But I was willing to put the feelings aside for a little comfort. That, of course, didn’t last, especially when we started becoming more than just friends with benefits. Once I felt those feelings for him crop up I asked him to either commit to me or I was putting an end to it. He was getting way more than just benefits from me and all for free. When he said he didn’t want any sort of romantic involvement with me, I disentangled myself.
So here I am, a free woman. I’m looking forward to this. I can keep my focus more on myself and my life. I’ve always enjoyed being single and, really, I’ve been single this whole time. But with the amount of emotion, time, effort, and money I was putting into my ‘relationship’, I might as well have been someone’s girlfriend. Now I am taking care of myself instead of putting my efforts into something with no reciprocation. I am fully engaged in living my life. And what a beautiful life it is.