>> Thursday, July 21, 2011
I’m so glad I’m reading “Grace and Grit” by Ken Wilber and that it came into my life when it did. Treya’s journey in many places mirrors mine or teaches me a lesson that I was trying to figure out.
Today I put on one of the new pairs of shorts I bought. They are around three sizes bigger than what I was wearing last summer and yet they were still too small. My stomach has been more distended the past couple of weeks and then there’s the general swelling and, of course, the Prednisone. I’ve gotten fatter all over, though not heavier on the scale. For the first time in years I have arm flab. Part of me is glad about this after all the time spent worrying about being too skinny and now eating enough. The other part of me gets scared of staying this size or getting fatter. Yes, I’m at a healthy weight and my stomach will be swollen for awhile yet and I’m on Prednisone. I don’t like how I look at this size and as for how others think of my looks…well, I just want people to see me at what I judge to be my best. Or at least acceptable. Really, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I also want to present myself as someone who practices what they preach (i.e. a healthy lifestyle for mind, body and spirit). I want to overcome this fear and leas a healthy lifestyle out of honesty, not fear.