Rochester Flowers

The flowers in Rochester are in full bloom. There are different flowers than the ones I see each summer in Lincoln. I’m rather surprised at the Rochester flowers’ hardiness. We’ve had days of hot, humid weather. The kind where even the outdoorsy people are seeking the solace of dark, air-conditioned rooms. The flowers, however, seem unaffected.
Mom and I went to the Mall of America today. I was thinking that the distraction and exercise would do me good since I’ve basically been lying in bed the last couple of days with the overwhelming fatigue, nausea, aches, chills and sweats. But, of course, I got caught up in things at the mall and ended up so exhausted (and hot!) that I gave myself a migraine, plus extra pain. I seriously need to figure out how to pace myself. I might have done a bit better if I had gotten in a good meditation this morning…
Also, I’m supposed to only be taking two doses of Imitrex a week. Period. No ifs, ands or buts. And since my neurology appointment I’ve had two doses. I don’t have the rain to blame anymore so I have to break the chain, otherwise I’ll keep getting daily migraines because my brain expects the drug.
Last night I was thinking about how central physical pain has been in my life and how I still have fears and expectations about it. As in, expecting that if I have to sit in the sun all day I’ll get a migraine. And then that thought or expectation generates fear of the pain to come. Some of my expectations are true, some can probably be overcome. It will take a lot of self-discipline, though. Meditation helps, too because then I learn to disassociate from the pain. I notice it, but I don’t have to be identified with it. This is a crucial journey for me as pain has been a major factor in my life since I was little and pain will most likely continue to be a part of my life until I leave this body.
Tomorrow are my last appointments unless the doctor decides to do another biopsy. This depends on how yesterday’s blood work looks. I hope we can go home, at least for awhile. I miss everyone and everything, Mom even more and I hope we can go for her sake. Also for Ginny who is very lonely. I got her some things at the mall, though they can’t really soothe my guilt over causing so much stress these past five weeks. Daily I must learn to forgive myself for things I cannot help.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I should do with my life now, provided I become relatively healthy. It stresses me out because there are so many different things I want to pursue but, not having experienced them fully out in the “real world” I don’t know what would be the perfect fit. I know, then, that it’s all in God’s hands and I just need to follow my heart day by day. The right opportunities will be presented to me when I am ready.
But then think of all the projects I already have going or need to get done! Day by day, I tell myself. Life is very different now and it will continue to change. I must be gentle with myself in this time of change and adjustment. Day by day, moment by moment.